23.
that’s how old I am.
I have two beautiful babes. Cooper 4 & Lyla 2.
I had Cooper when I was 19. I got married when I was 20 and had Lyla when I was 21.
To say I bit off more than I could chew would be an understatement
All of my life I wanted to be a mother. When I was a little girl I would spend hours imagining finding love and having a family. I couldn’t wait to find the man of my dreams and have perfect children. I thought it would be just all so perfect.
It was perfect some days, some days were crazy. I knew having a newborn and toddler was going to be hard and I knew I would cry over the silliest of things. But I wasn’t coping at all.
I didn’t want to admit that I had depression, seemed so weak, I was not weak but I just had this feeling of emptiness. Truthfully I had been feeling it for year before I had the kids.
After about 4 months of this feeling, this tired feeling, not wanting to get out of bed, fighting with my husband, blaming him for everything, I even had days where I would just want to get in my car and leave. I eventually went to the doctor. I told no one. I even took the kids with me.
Usually I would see if someone would mind them for me. I was so scared of one of them melting down and everyone staring at me and a screaming child. I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with that. I know I shouldn’t care what people think… right? It’s very hard telling a person with depression and anxiety to just not worry about what people think. You cannot just tell your mind to stop.
The doctor was awesome to talk to, the doctor suggested I talk to a psychiatrist or try medication. I did not want to talk to anyone about this, I felt embarrassed. So I took the meds. For me that decision turned out to be a mistake. They made me feel so sick for the first few days. Which is a normal side effect. By then I had told my husband what had been going on.
I kept taking the pills. I noticed a slight change in myself but nothing major. I went back to see my doctor a few times and she put up my dose up a few times. Still nothing really changed.
I decided I wanted to come off the pills. After about a week I started to lose my shit. It’s hard to explain how I felt but I just couldn’t control how I felt, I yelled at the kids for absolutely no reason at all. I was not in a good state of mind.
I was losing a handle my life. So I gave in to the pain started taking them again. It was easier to go back to them than to try and fight it.
A few more months went by and I ended up going to talk to a different doctor. He told me that the medication I was on was not his favorite to prescribe. Great. He told me it has an addictive affect . Really ? hadn’t noticed.
He talked me into seeing a psychiatrist. I made the appointment and all. I didn’t go. I was just so lost, I didn’t know what to do. I was just existing. This was no life for me or my kids. But I couldn’t help it.
I ended up deciding one day that those pills don’t own me, I’m going to start again… exercise every morning and go cold turkey on the anti-anxiety pills. It sounded so much easier in my head. I did try though. It was hard, I wanted to go back to them so many times. I think I just knew in my head enough was enough. They didn’t help me they just made me worse if anything
I did it though. It probably took me a good 2 months not to want them anymore but it got easier as each day went by.
I didn’t end up seeing a psychiatrist, I kind of want to but my anxiety gets the better of me. I have completely lost my confidence when talking to other people, let alone someone that I have to try and explain my whole life too.
I’m not on anything anymore, I feel as though my depression has backed away for now but It’s not gone. My anxiety is probably the worst it’s ever been. I don’t know why it just is.
In the middle of all this craziness, In September 2012 one of the most terrifying things happened to us.
We all had the flu. My son Cooper was 2, my Lyla was about 8 months old. Cooper was sleeping all through the day and all the night. When he would wake he was thirsty, like unnaturally thirsty. He would wet through his nappy at night, even when we changed him throughout the night to try to prevent this from happening. We couldn’t work it out.
I was on the phone to the nurse on call about 3 or 4 times. They just told me that it was his body’s way of dealing with this wicked flu.
I remember my Mum came over on the 3rd or 4th day of having this flu. I was changing Coopers clothes, he was just so tired and lethargic, barely staying awake.
Looking at his normally healthy body was shocking… he was honestly just skin and bone. It freaked me out how much weight he had lost only in a day or 2. Mum said take him to the doctors. So I did. He vomited all over me in the doctors waiting room, after that the doctors bought us in straight away. She took one look at him and told me get him straight to emergency.
The doctor called the hospital to notify them we were coming.
I should add that we had both kids at emergency the night before with high temps and was sent home.
We get to the hospital, James, Cooper, Lyla and myself. We get taken in straight away, The nurses start taking blood and asking all these questions. Almost like we had starved him.
I guess we couldn’t blame them, that’s what he looked like. The hours go by with still no answers so I take Lyla home as she was still sick, hadn’t slept, hadn’t had lunch. My Husband told me he would call me if he had any news.
He called. I answered…… ” Cooper has type 1 diabetes“. I wasn’t really sure what to think. I don’t know anything about diabetes. Nothing. The worst part of it all was when I got back to the hospital, James told me they were planning on doing a bone marrow test on him. They had him all prepared for a needle in the spine, just waiting on the anesthetist. I was pretty angry that they planned on a performing such an invasive procedure like a bone marrow test before a simple finger prick to check blood glucose levels. I mean I know it’s rare to get type 1 so early on but that was scary.
We both had to learn everything about type 1 diabetes. He needed insulin to survive and constant fingers pricks to manage his blood glucose levels. Without constant management of his diet and the right control of his insulin dosage there are serious and even deadly consequences. We even have to check him throughout the night….. everynight.
It gets easier, but with age comes other complications. Having two young kids and now this. If I wasn’t coping well before how the hell am I going to deal with this. He has ‘hypos’ which is low blood sugar levels. He can go into a coma if not treated right away. His blood sugar levels are high when he takes too many carbs in and the insulin amount was too little. Everyday is different.
James is amazing, without him I would not be here. I honestly know that. He has saved me. So many times I have wanted to quit. So many times I have felt like the biggest failure as a Mother and I tell myself I don’t deserve this life. He was the one to bring me through to the other side. I’m not completely there yet but I know with a little hard work, I can be. I am trying meditation , I am honestly the last person on the planet to try meditating. But I did. James asked me to. It is amazing. Completely relaxes your body. I think everyone should try it just once.
If I can help just one person sruggling like I was, whether it is just with everyday life or if they have been going through a similar situation as I was. You are not alone, even though it feels like you are.
@therealmummy
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