Warning. This is not a light read. This is PND.
I wrote this when I was in one of my darkest periods. I am sharing it with you now, not to gain sympathy, but to show you what someone who is suffering is going through. I am sharing it to show there IS light at the end of the tunnel.
PLEASE. If you feel anything like I did, talk to someone. Visit your GP. Seek support. You need it.
I feel overwhelmed.
Not like “hey, this mum thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” At times I feel I can’t handle being a mother. In fact, I often wonder whether I should have become a mother in the first place.
I feel guilty.
Guilty because I believe I should be handling motherhood better than this. I feel Darcy deserves better. I worry she can tell I feel so bad, or that I am crying so much, or that I don’t always feel the happiness I thought I would. I often wonder whether she would be better off without me. And I am terrified she will turn out like me.
I feel irritated or angry.
I have no patience. Everything annoys me. I feel resentment toward my husband, towards Darcy, towards friends who don’t have babies yet and towards people who DO have babies but seem to be handling it perfectly. But it is not them. It is me.
I feel disconnected.
I feel strangely apart from everyone. Like there is an invisible wall between me and the rest of the world.
I feel hopeless.
I feel weak and defective.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like I’m in a fog.
I cannot concentrate.
I cannot focus.
I cannot think of the words I want to say.
I cannot remember what I was doing.
I cannot remember what I am supposed to do.
I cannot make a decision.
I feel sadness to the depths of my soul.
I cannot stop crying.
Even when there’s no real reason to cry.
I feel nothing.
Like I am just going through the motions of life.
I KNOW something is wrong and I am scared I will never get better. I am afraid people will judge me for my thoughts, feelings and actions.
I am afraid this is just who I am now.
I am afraid that I have lost Kasey forever.
See Kasey’s blog or follower her on Instagram @kasey.rainbow.