Speak up

I’m a capable woman, organised, driven and a fast learner so being a mum should just be a breeze……Well that’s what I thought.  That was until someone with 10 little fingers, 10 little toes and a little button nose came into my world and flipped it upside down. 

I knew that motherhood has it’s ups and downs but nothing could have prepared me. 

Hudson was born early and had reflux so we were off to a rocky start. He screamed in the cot, he screamed in the car and he screamed in the pram. I had never been so tired in my life and I felt completely out of control. 

I was an absolute mess, I didn’t want to leave the house, breastfeeding wasn’t easy as I was expressing and trying to feed. 

My new little baby was so loved but how on earth was I going to cope. Of course, looking back now I realise this is a small time and at some point your child sleeps. However, when you’re in a hormonal, emotional, sleepless haze there seems like there is no way out and you will never sleep again. 

I had days where I didn’t get out of my pyjamas, I would cry and I was incredibly jealous as my husband was able to leave the house to go to work. I had people around offering all sorts of advice and help but I didn’t hear them. 

My husband was helping and being very supportive. The reality was, he was just as tired as me and running a business.  I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t coping. It seemed like eveyone else around me was loving motherhood, had it together and I had no clue. I felt alone. 

One day I was crying on the phone to my mum and I said ‘ I’m not good at this. Why can’t I do this?’ She simply replied ‘it will be ok, you will be ok’. Immediately I felt better. I felt like I had admitted defeat and just it saying out loud felt better. 

From that day on I vowed to always be open and honest about my feelings. I love being a mum more than anything, but motherhood is hard. It’s stressful and there is guilt….oh boy is there guilt. Even four years down the track with two children I still stress about tantrums, sleep schedules and health etc.  I don’t think this ever changes, it just becomes different. I’m sure my own mum is still worried about me. 

I want to be the best mother possible. In order to do this I need to take care of myself.  If you’re not coping, unhappy or depressed speak up. I always thought people would judge. No one is judging as we have all been there in one way or another. 

www.panda.org.au 
Rachelle xx 

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