This is what is listed on my medical records. Like many women I have experienced miscarriage. While I don’t want to be Debbi Downer. I believe this is something that so many couples experience, it’s often part of motherhood, but it’s not openly spoken about. One of the first things a doctor tells you when you have a miscarriage is that ‘it’s not your fault’, ‘there is nothing you could’ve done’. I agree that it’s not something you need to shout from the rooftops but it’s something that you shouldn’t be ashamed to speak about and if need be ask for support. While it is common, it’s still an emotional and difficult time. Feelings should never be discounted just because it’s a common occurance.
Six weeks before my wedding in 2011, I discovered l was pregnant. This was a complete surprise. I cried, was in shock but overall I was happy. My fiancé (now my husband) was over the moon. I had spent so many years trying to avoid pregnacy and had been on the pill. I always imagined once you became pregnant it would be pretty straight forward.
One week before our wedding that we had been planning for what seemed like forever. I experienced a missed miscarriage or incomplete pregnancy. I had an ultrasound we could see our little baby but there was no heartbeat. Six days before I was married, when I should have been having some amazing times with family and friends preparing for our wedding day. I was in hospital getting a D and C. While I would like to say it didn’t affect our wedding, it really did. We were trying to be happy but underneath we were sad. My hormones were still running wild and throughout the day I glanced over at my husband and could feel the tears welling in my eyes. I guess people just thought I was an emotional bride. So many of our guests were asking when we would try for a baby or joking about having honeymoon babies. 95% of our guests had no idea and it was all in good fun but underneath my husband and I were still grieving and on an emotional rollercoaster.
I had Hudson in 2012, in early 2014 just before we concieved our daughter. I experienced a chemical pregnancy (very early miscarriage). This was no where near as emotional as my first, but I was reminded that not everything goes to plan.
So many women experience miscarriages yet no one really speaks about it. When you mention it, people understandably get awkward. Yet, they shouldn’t, if someone wants to talk about miscarriage, let them. Offer support, tell them you’re sorry for their loss. There is no need to remind them how common it is. When it’s happening, you don’t want to hear fun facts about how 1 in 3 women will experience a miscarriage or the old ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’ line. None of those details are important when you have just lost your little baby.
People also need to be more sensitive when asking when couples will try for a baby? Do they want children? Why don’t they have children etc. Sometimes there is more going on behind the scenes than you realise and this could be a very sensitive issue for both men and women.
We are very lucky and I count my blessings everyday that I have two beautiful, healthy children. I understand that a lot of couples have a lot more trouble and more complex stories that involve fertility drugs and IVF. I just hope that by sharing my story you realise you are not alone, miscarriage is nothing to be ashamed of and talking about it is ok.